Dreamer's Redemption (Rowen)

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Dreamer's Redemption. (Rowen)
« Thread Started on Mar 23, 2005, 4:33pm »

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March 23 (Wednesday)...

I watch as the blood and ink stain your pages in interesting patterns. I know I should heal the wound on my hand, but I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe its punishment for being a fool, or perhaps a reminder of the pain I can no longer feel. My heart has begun to numb over, as I wonder what to think. I can't cry the tears anymore, they just won't come. I fear that is a bad sign, because if I cannot cry...or feel then does that mean I'm stopped caring? I doubt it. Maybe its just shock, or that sense of cold that washes over when someone tears out your heart. I'm afraid, my dearest friend, that all he said to me lastnight holds some sort of truth.

Half of me wants to believe that he didn't mean what he said lastnight, the other part fears that the words he spoke are how he feels. Does really concider me a foolish child? Does he concider me inferior to him, simply for the fact that I haven't dealt with all he has? What fool am I to love him still despite all of this damnation! I am the fool, the kind that cannot for the life of them control their own heart and soul....I am a slave to my own emotions and heart. I am the masochist that survives in hell because of a fool's heart and hope. If I were smart, I'd pack my bags and leave right now...but I cannot seem to make my legs, my body, respond to such a command. The further I am aware the less alive I feel.

Oh Fate be damned you wicked bitch! Be damned! What games...what wicked little twisted games you play with my heart you evil creature. Is this the life you wish me to lead, the broken path that is cutting me to pieces. Oh Mother...I know you said it would not be easy, but you never said it would hurt this much. I couldn't even sleep lastnight, for the ache that sat in my chest was to unbearable. I feel like a tainted human, am I so horrible that he'd do all he could to make me die inside.

I don't think I've ever hurt so much in my life...the words he said cut so deep. Will this wound ever heal? Will time really make it die away and take the ache that comes with it. Oh Uriah...how could you be so cruel.

I did talk with Sacrifice lastnight, after I came up here. Even in death and without memory....she's still trying to keep Uriah and I together. Its funny how things just work out in odd ways. I am sorry she's dead....it saddens me deeply to know that she took her own life. I concidered her a great friend...but I can't even come close to imagining how Uriah must feel. Maybe thats why I can forgive him the words, but it will never make the ache hurt less. Nor the fear that he can destroy me in a single moment fade away.

I came here to Mexico City....to be with the man I love...and now I fear it may be the death of my heart.


Rowen.
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Re: Dreamer's Redemption. (Rowen)
« Reply #1 on Apr 4, 2005, 10:21pm »

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Solitude...avoidance....broken hearts...and the damnation of a soul. Thats how I feel right now. Uriah and I made up after that huge fight, but I don't think its a permanent change. I fear for the worst...something in my heart is screaming at me. My dreams are becoming stranger by the night and I have not heard from Uriah in days. I am staying in strange places and don't have even him to make things simple on me. I feel almost as if he's avoiding me....his heart and soul grow dark...I can almost see it...sense it on so many levels. I am losing the man I love and I don't know what to do. I will fight....but I am afraid it will not be enough to keep him from damning himself to an existance far worse than this life of his. Oh my ancestors...please give me the strength to bare with this place...to survive its darkest of controls....and to save Uriah from the hell he is heading for.


Rowen.
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Re: Dreamer's Redemption. (Rowen)
« Reply #2 on Apr 15, 2005, 12:49pm »

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Friday, April 15.


Oh my Spirit! I can't believe this is happening. I'm more nervous then anything and I'm not sure how to make that stop. Today...I am to be married. Yes....Married! Uriah asked me....and that was more the shock than I can ever explain. I never....okay I did dream many times that he'd get on bended knee and ask me, but I never imagined such would come to light. He is so reserved, and guarded....perhaps I should just learn to expect the unexpected. I should have seen this coming when he spoke such sweet poetry to me at Saphryn's house. But truly....I thought only that he was starting to open up.

I did not imagine that he'd completely bare his heart to me. But such a sweet surprise this is. Something I will never forget...ever! This is my dream, my time of peace and revelation. Thank you dear Spirits....thank you for this and so much more. Now just protect us on our wedding day. Oh! I best run...I have so much to get done before tonight...when we are to be married.

With much love and joy!

Rowen.
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Re: Dreamer's Redemption. (Rowen)
« Reply #3 on Apr 26, 2005, 9:15pm »

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April 26.


We're back from the honeymoon, have been for a few days. There is a coldness that is settling over me as I watch the man I love fall into insanity...further and further he slips saying things that normally he'd keep a secret. We've had one fight so far as a married couple, and I know that he's planning to bring Sac back to life. Something in me tells me that this is a bad idea, but I will walk this path...damn myself for it...but I will stay by his side. Something is amiss...I can feel and see it in the reflection of the amulet....

There is a darkness settling here inside me, that clouds my mind but haunts with images there. I don't understand the confusing swirls of colours and sounds that wash over me in my sleep. A growl...an evil monster...pain...and days in fever induced insanity. What does it mean? Why can't I remember....and why is it still haunting me after so many years? Oh blessed spirits please give me the answers I seek...spare me this torment now.

Oh...I have to go journal, Uriah is back....I will write in you again soon. I don't know why I still hide you from him....maybe I am afraid because he worries so over my dreams and my mind these days...worries over me. Or perhaps....it is the feeling that these times are dark and hell is about to break loose. I don't know and I don't think I ever will.

Good day...

Rowen.
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Re: Dreamer's Redemption. (Rowen)
« Reply #4 on May 27, 2005, 10:19pm »

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May 27


Its been forever since I wrote in these pages, Not for lacking of things to say...but for lack of wanting. To place my feelings on paper, my fears and what I know to be real...I have to accept them. I don't want to, but I know it shall come to pass and I will have to accept and go on. When my parents died, it destroyed me...it was hard to deal but a light came into my life. An odd little light for it was dark and broody...and hard to win, but it eventually let me get close and to warm my heart on its fire. My little light soon shall go out, and once again I will be travelling in the darkness alone. I know he is to leave me, and I know he'll find peace in this death. He won't be here for long, my heart so tells me this....and I wish like a fool I could ignore these feelings, but never before has my intuition done me wrong.

I love him with all my heart, and I will survive and go on, but I will pain. I will never be the same after this, and I can only wish...with all my heart he leaves me but a small gift...the gift of a child to love and to cherish in my darkest of hours. It would continue to give me purpose, besides the obvious one...apparently I am to change the way of all magi in the world. I would have the strength to do that if this union could further be bound and our future...my future set forth with one last thing of his. However, if this wish never comes true....then I will gladly accept this love as the final gift and survive on the strength that it will give. My heart will forever stay true.

I will spend these last days...doing as he wishes, learning to fight and protect myself because I know that will help him along...he won't worry about me then. I will spend as much time as I can with him....so that I will have a small bit of memories to fill a lifetime. I will shed no tears....for I know tears will neither save him...nor me...they will only damn me further.

Forever will I love him...forever will I be bound...eternity and beyond.


Rowen.

[Kitten]

December 21, 2005

Time has changed so much, altering the visions and hopes I once had replacing them with new ones. It has altered me as well, changing me from the naive little girl I used to be into something more. My dreams have even changed, although I still battle the old nightmares every so often...new images are taking it's place. More pleasant images of happy smiles and little children running around this beautiful place. So much has happened in the short spance of time and I'm not even sure where to start with the rants and comments. Do I start in Mexico, or here in Vegas...do I explain all I feel and all that's going on, or simply make small references towards the events that have taken place. I'm just not sure what to write or where to start...so I guess I'll place pen to paper and just let it go where it so pleases.

In the beginning...no see not even that seems like a right place to start. I'm a bundle of feelings...chaotic thoughts bouncing around my head like rubber...bending and avoiding my attempt to clarify and organize. So if my words jump from one matter and give no apparent order of matters than forgive me as my brain is such a mess. Funny, I'm supposed to be the organized one, but all I feel is jittered and confused all over again. The same feelings I had when I first met Uriah, tugged in a direction but reluctant to move that way. He was the most breath taking man I had ever seen, stealing my thoughts straight from my mind when first I laid my eyes on him. I felt inadequate...imperfect and just simply ordinary in his presence at first, but he quickly banished that way and now makes me feel as if I'm the most fantastic amazing creature in the world. An angel he calls me, his angel to be exact. An angel I am not, but that doesn't matter to him. I'm his perfection and thats all he ever seems to see....which is wonderful.

Love does strange things like that to a person, makes them go from the most broody scary individuals to poetic love sick fools. Not that Uriah is a fool, but love sick and poetic definately. He weaves words as surely as a spider weaves their web, deadly and entrapping sparkling in the moonlight like a soft spirit beconing the heart to come. I cannot help but feel lost when he speaks to me of the future, of things that could be. I get lost in the moment, in his eyes and the words he speaks to me. He talks of destiny, or prewritten orders and events. He talks of the past and the future, and for the first time he talks of our future in a positive way. For awhile I almost felt like my happy ever after would soon come to an end, but he seems more positive about things these days.

Our marriage was the best thing that ever happened to me, but I feel things are only going to get better, that there is one more step that is going to be taken. The step of a family, of children. I think it is actually coming true, but I am not entirely sure. My body feels different, as if it is trying to tell me something. It almost seems to rejoice singing a song of life and happiness. Could it really be true? could I be harboring inside myself a tiny little life, so fragile and so precious. I hope so, more than anything in this world I hope so. To see the pride in Uriah's eyes when he talks about having children, of a family is amazing. Even if he does not let onto it, he really wants this. It would do his heart and soul good to have a child, and my heart tells me this is it, that it is real and true.

I fear though, for this child and its safety. Both of its parents are large targets for trouble, but this house is a safe haven as safe havens go. No where is perfectly safe, but I am sure with all the people here our child will be safe. Our children, that sounds heavenly and almost scary. I'm sure our children will be difficult and free spirited, it is a little hard to get anything else out of two people like myself and Uriah. We ourselves are difficult and free spirited, but they will be smart and talented. Lovely young things that we will both love and cherish with all our heart.

I wrote to my grandparents the other day explaining matters and our intentions for a family. It is strange, my grandmother was the one to tell me I am a fool and too young to have the thought of children in my head. She called Uriah a bad influence on my good nature and training. My grandfather on the other hand said he was proud and lucky. That Uriah was one of the best things to happen to me in awhile, and that it did his heart good to know that I was in love and happy. Usually it is my grandfather being the stubborn problematic one. But I think my grandfather really likes Uriah, respects him greatly. My grandmother is very set in her ways and probably hoped I'd marry a nice little gypsy boy and have precious little gypsy children. Oh well, she'll just have to deal. I made my choice, and I'm happy in that choice. Very happy.

In fact I am happy in my life as it stands. I love what I do, and I love this place. Even with its silly little staffing problems. They don't much like me, according to them I am simply a silly little verbena witch. But I have dealt just fine with them and all that has stood in my way. I love my duties here, and talking to the residents. Even if I know their times are coming to an end, it is still nice to sit and talk to them. I like being able to put a smile to their face. Even the cranky old men like Mr. Nettle, he treats the staff here very strictly, but he seemed to take to me fairly well enough. Most of the residents do, even the cranky old shifters. It is a nice place here, and Uriah seems so much happier. That's all that matters to me, is that he is truly happy.